Millennial Sermon

by Elizabeth Scher…

Millennial Sermon by Elizabeth ScherOpen in a church, community center, gathering area that might make sense for worshipers. Everyone has their phones out and no one appears to be older than 30. In walks a pastor, not gender or race specific. Wearing some sort of fan merch (preferably Beyonce)

 

PASTOR
Thank you all for joining me in celebrating our Lord and Savior. We are all #blessed to be here.

CONGREGATION
(in unison)
#blessed

PASTOR
Before we begin, I would like to share a story of the Lord’s presence in my life. The Lord is
funny, but he Bae, though.

CONGREGATION
(in unison)
The Lord is Bae

PASTOR
Earlier this week, when we were gifted with warmth in February #globalwarming #theearthisdyingbutyayicedcoffee, I happened upon a dog park. The dogs were running and being fluffy. It was a grand display of the Lord’s love. Then, just as I was about to leave, one young fluff approached me. I said “yes hello little fluff, you are quite fuzzy.” I then bent down to give the dog pets, he took his paw, and booped my nose.

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Praise be to the pupper!

PASTOR
Yes, yes, praise be to the pupper who was indeed fluffy. Now I open the sermon to you, my loving congregation #congregationgoals, to tell me of stories of how the Lord has blessed you!

CONGREGATION MEMBER
(stands)
I have a story. As you all know, I have been a longtime fan of Lady Gaga

CONGREGATION
(in unison)
YAAS GAGA YAAS

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Well, after months of tweets, and none answered, Lady Gaga favorited a tweet of mine! It reads “@ladygaga Joanne is my go to shower song #queen

PASTOR
Praise be! Let us all favorite this tweet as to join in the blessing! Now, who is next? Who else has been #blessed?

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Well, as you know, I have recently traveled to Indonesia to learn about the food and help bring the poor kids internet.

PASTOR
Yes we have all seen the post. It has over 100 likes.

CONGREGATION MEMBER
104, not that the likes matter to me. It’s all about the message.

PASTOR
Yes and your profile picture with you hugging the child…

CONGREGATION MEMBER
Ade, I learned so much from him. That picture has 267 likes, not that I’m counting. My point is that I now wake up with a new sense of purpose.

PASTOR
Yes, thank you for that update. If you would all change your reaction to the profile picture from ‘like’ to ‘love’ to show your support.

CONGREGATION MEMBER
268!

PASTOR
And now let us turn to the New Testament. And the Lord had his last supper. It was so lit, and he said, one of y’all bitches be petty. His squad turned and said omg no. Judas was sporting serious side eye.
#salty
Let us tweet #amen
#retweet

PASTOR
And now we shall pass around the blood of Christ and the cross. Drink from the chai latte and fill yourselves with the Lord’s love. We have heard your requests, and the wafers of the cross are now completely gluten free. We have dairy free options in the back as well. Before we conclude our sermon, let us add a snap to our story. Everyone please turn on your halo filters!

CONGREGATION
(takes out phones and poses for selfies, also starts favoriting tweets)

PASTOR
This concludes our sermon and let us tweet #Amen

CONGREGATION
#Amen

PASTOR
Don’t forget, tomorrow night will be our monthly latte art class. This week’s theme is the Moses’s plagues so dress accordingly, I’m looking at you, Calliope (who is sitting in vaguely French garb, and smoking a vape cigarillo, she rolls her eyes, in very broken French)! We will be providing hair nets in various ombre tones to make for the best possible Instagram posts!

 

 

Elizabeth Scher is a new writer who is full of potential, at least according to her mom. She started out in sketch writing that has branched out to essays that could potentially be turned into sketches, and so on… Check out Elizabeth’s Twitter page.

 

 

 

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