by Elizabeth Scher…
There’s a new way of life, and it’s hitting ponds all across America. It’s called Gay Frog Pride, and this Saturday in its most prestigious community, right here in the middle of New York’s Central Park, gay frogs will be holding their first ever Gay Frog Pride Parade.
While homosexuality among fly eaters is nothing new, it’s only been lately that the slimy little amphibians have found out why. “We have limited access to human media,” says frog drag queen Ribbit For Her Pleasure, “so we only recently found out it’s the human tap water they pump into our ponds that’s been turning us gay.” The booming drag queen culture is just one outcome of the recent rise in frog homosexuality, and the word is spreading, all thanks to a human French fry by the name of Alex Jones.
The incredibly popular drag-queen reality show, Flies not Guys, hosted by Ribbit herself, is just one example of frog homosexuality hitting mainpond TV in the frog world. There is Push it to the Ribbit, an endurance competition show about ribbon dancing, Pad Hunters, where house-flipping frog couples go looking for the perfect lily pad to redecorate, and, of course, The Croak, hosted by none other than Ryan Seacrest’s lily-pad loving, amphibious younger cousin, Spadefoot Pondscum.
There has also been a noticeable increase in music venues, such as the famed Tadpolka, and bakeries like Frogsted Cakes. Overall, the quality of life has improved in the fly-eating world, as has the culture. “Let’s face it,” says Ribbit, “this pond used to be, well, just like any boring ole pond. Now it’s a mecca for gay frogs that rivals the Castro District itself. I’m excited to raise my little tadpoles here.”
“Who doesn’t love a gourmet fly?” croaks Frog Cora, of Pebble Chef fame. “Just roll them in a little bit of algae and you’re good to go. The best part is: they come to us; so it’s just as convenient as the old pond flies we’ve come to know and love.”
Aside from booming businesses, frog homosexuality has also led to a precipitous decline in tadpole orphanage populations. Newfound parents Algaela and Amphiby Hoppins were delighted to take in more than a hundred recently orphaned tadpoles into their pad. “We aren’t able to conceive naturally,” says Algaela, “and there are so many tadpoles who come into this world without loving parents, we are happy to be able to give them a hoppy home.”
As of yet, there seem to be very few out-croaken critics of the burgeoning gay frog community. “We’re just delighted to see so many orphaned tadpoles now in loving families,” says Mayor Ribbit Von Ribbitstein. “They are better behaved than your average Tomato frog, and now have positive influences in their lives. Who could be against that?”
All of this, of course, is possible because of a human, poison dart frog by the name of Alex Jones.
“To show Jones how much we appreciate all he’s done for the gay frog community,” says Mayor Von Ribbitstein, “on February 11th, his birthday, we plan on having our first ever Gay Frog Pride Parade, complete with pond-safe glitter. We have sent him an invitation via dragonfly to be our special guest of honor. We hope he can attend.”
According to Mayor Von Ribbitstein, the parade will consist of frog gays, or Frays, from all walks of life. There will be frays who teach school, frays who practice medicine, even political frays known for bringing peace relations between frogs and salamanders. “Everyone’s going to be there!”
Various charities will also be in attendance. Swim to End Hoppytitus, Seeing-eye Newt Trainers, and Scrolls for Poles will all be holding fundraisers at the event.
As the parade comes to a climax, Kermit the Frog himself will be there to sing The Rainbow Connection. A hero to the Fray community, Kermit has always been out-croaken on the issue of interspecies inclusion, having been in an interspecies relationship himself for many years.
Frays all across the pond are so thrilled that their collective outing has been so well received. “At the end of the day, we’re just frogs going about our lives,” ribbited newfound parents Algaela and Amphiby. “We only live about ten years anyway, so why not enjoy life while we can? Be ourselves?
“We look so forward to the parade. Thank you, Alex Jones., wherever you are.”
Elizabeth Scher is a new writer who is full of potential, at least according to her mom. She started out in sketch writing that has branched out to essays that could potentially be turned into sketches, and so on… Check out Elizabeth’s Twitter page.