Trademark USA

by Americanly Philly…

My friend TJ Max isn’t just a sexist and a swamp rat, he’s an author as well.  In fact, he’s recently penned a treatise he calls Trademark USA, and plausible or not, it’s quite revolutionary.  The whole thing is more than two-hundred pages long and he wrote it all in one night.  Needless to say, it’s much too long to publish here; but I’d like to share with you the highlights.  TJ also speaks fluent French. Go figure.

In short, it’s a revenue-generating plan based on trademarking the United States itself.  According to TJ, companies like Taco Bell, McDonald’s, and Starbucks all rake in huge profits overseas based not on the quality of their products, but on the American dream itself.  Come on, do you really think people all over the world line up for hours to get their hands on a McDonald’s Big Mac for the savory flavor? There’s only one reason all those foreigners shell out a full day’s pay to get their hands on a Quarter Pounder with Cheese or some Chicken McNuggets: because it makes them feel that much closer to the American dream.

If you don’t think it’s true, why then do Mexicans go to Taco Bell? Why do people in France line up around the block for Starbuck’s coffee when everybody knows American coffee is an international joke? Makes sense, right?

What TJ proposes is to trademark the United States itself.  The idea is groundbreaking.  American multinationals already profiting from everything American will now have to pony-up a branding fee of ten percent on all foreign sales.  If they don’t like it, they can take it up with the International Trademark Association and its 190 member countries.

According to the Joint Committee on Taxation, over $50 billion in tax revenue is lost every year to American corporations stashing international profits overseas.  The truth is, more than $2 trillion (that we know of) is parked in overseas accounts right now.  But let’s not fool ourselves.  As far as any tax issues go, no one is ever getting their hands on that money.

Trademark proceeds from the nearly half a trillion dollars in revenue generated by American companies abroad would more than make up for this.  Trademarking America itself would bypass all the international tax loopholes these companies use to avoid paying for the right to be American.

As for the $50 billion per year the trademark fees would bring in revenue to the government, that should be more than enough to pay for Americans’ unemployment benefits, which they really need these days with so many of their jobs being shipped overseas.


About the Author
Philip Loyd loves fat chicks and cheap beer, though not necessarily in that order. His first novel, You Lucky Bastard, is represented by New York Literary Agent Jan Kardys. Loyd lives in Dumbass, Texas.  Find out more about Loyd at

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