The Time Machine

by Timelessly Philly…

I went over to my friend Norton Throssberg’s house the other day to watch the Big Game.  You remember Norton.  He’s the guy who discovered our sister planet Eden in the Polaris 9876 Solar System in the Andromeda Galaxy.  Wait, that doesn’t happen until the year 3085.  Anyway.

So there I am at Norton Throssberg’s house and is it ever a dump.  Just like you’d imagine a mad scientist’s house would be.  Anyway, so there we were getting ready for the Big Game when over in the corner I noticed what looked like an Everglades boat.  WTF?  I went to take a closer look and that’s when I realized, this was no gator sled, this was a time machine.

It looked exactly like the one in the movies, the HG Wells time machine, and so I said to Norton, “Do you know you have a time machine in your living room?”

“Oh, that old thing,” he said.  “Yeah, I got it at a garage sale.”

A garage sale?  Holy Schnikes!  Did he not know what he had?  Did he not know the significance of it?  Was he out of his fucking mind?  Well, maybe.

“Does it work?” I asked him.


“What powers it up?”

“Dunno.   It just starts up by itself.”

“But,” I said, “with something like this, you could go back to the time of the Pharos, the Exodus, Ancient Greece.”

“I suppose,” he said.

“Or the Roman Empire.  You could travel back in time to Ancient Rome.  You could go to a show in the Coliseum, meet Julius Caesar, even participate in a good-ole Roman orgy.”

“Did that,” he said.  “The Coliseum was fun.  A bit hot, and all they had to eat was wren’s livers, badger’s spleens, and otter’s noses.  The wine was watered down, too.  The killing was pretty cool, lots of blood and guts, but the smell.”

“What about Caesar?” I asked him.

“Honestly, he was pretty much a dick.  And the orgies?  While that sounds all well and good, the women were fat and they had hair everywhere.  EVERYWHERE!  No thanks.”

“Well then,” I said, “what about traveling back to the time of the French Revolution?  Napoleon?”

“The pastries were good,” said Norton, “I’ll give him that.  But again: the smell.  You think the French stink now, you should smell them back before indoor plumbing.”

”What about traveling back in time to do the world some good?” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“What about going back to the time before the automobile and warning everyone about global warming?  You know, back to the time of fresh air and clean skies, before we started destroying the planet?”

“The past is not what you think,” said Norton.  “You think cars make a bad smell, wait till you get a load of horse manure in all its glory.  Horse dung, tons of it everywhere.  And no paved streets.  Mud and pig shit everywhere.  It’s not the paradise you think it was.”

Hmm.  Maybe he was right.  But surely possessing a time machine had to have its benefits.  Some good had to come from it.

“What about traveling to the future, seeing what goes wrong then returning back to warn mankind of the pitfalls?”

I dunno,” he said.  “I guess.”

I kept after him all throughout the game.  Who won the Big Game?  To tell the truth, I have no idea.  I think I might have even pissed Norton off, not shutting up and all.  He could barely even watch the game.

*     *    *

I met my friend Norton Throssberg the other day at the sports bar to watch the Big Game.  You remember Norton.  He’s the guy who discovered our sister planet Eden in the Polaris 9876 Solar System in the Andromeda Galaxy.

Norton showed up right as they were about to kick the ball off.  I asked him why we didn’t just meet at his house.  “No reason,” he said.

“This is supposed to be the greatest game of all time,” I told him.

“It’s okay,” he said.  “Not as great as you think.”


About the Author
Philip Loyd loves fat chicks and cheap beer, though not necessarily in that order. His first novel, You Lucky Bastard, is represented by New York Literary Agent Jan Kardys. Loyd lives in Dumbass, Texas.  Find out more about Loyd at

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