Illegal Aliens

by Unwantedly Philly…

“Just deport ‘em all,” I said. “Ship ‘em off to some island somewhere.”

“Just like that?” said José. José is my good friend from Mexico.

“Just like that.” I said.

“That’s your solution?” said José.

“Look.” I said, “let’s face facts. They’re aliens.

“Number One: They’re dirty. They look like hooligans, smell like they haven’t showered in a week.

“Two: They’re lazy. All they do is sit around all day.

“Three: They’re ignorant, you can’t understand a word they say.

“Four: They’re always getting pregnant, having more and more kids so one day there will be so many of them we’ll all be overrun.

“Five: They have no real skills. They can’t get a job that pays a living wage. One day, we’re all going to wind up paying for them.

“Six: They’re always hanging out around the convenience stores, getting high and drinking beer.

“Seven: They’re a menace on the road. They drive like they’re in some third-world country.

“Eight: You can’t trust them. You can’t believe a word they say. You have to constantly watch they don’t rob you blind.”

“You done?” said José. “So that’s your solution, to just ship all the illegal immigrants off to some island somewhere? Like Greenland, or Antarctica? How about Devil’s Island, or Alcatraz? Obviously you don’t care you’d be breaking up families, destroying children’s lives. Obviously, you don’t care.”

“Illegal immigrants?” I said. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“What are you talking about?” said José.

“What am I talking about?” I said. “Teenagers, of course.”

“Oh,” said José. “Teenagers. Well now, that’s a whole different story.  Sí, they should be made illegal.  You may just be onto something there.”


About the Author
Philip Loyd loves fat chicks and cheap beer, though not necessarily in that order. His first novel, You Lucky Bastard, is represented by New York Literary Agent Jan Kardys. Loyd lives in Dumbass, Texas.  Find out more about Loyd at

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