Attack of the Happy Pants

by Hoody Philly…

Ever wonder why women wear tight pants? I had no idea until my girlfriend told me.

The whole thing with tight pants all began, believe it or not, because the clitoris has a hood. No joke.

The clitoral hood covers the clitoris itself, sometimes entirely, and can often be a hindrance to the female orgasm. If you’re a man, you might not know this. These days, women are doing something about it.

Clitoral hood reduction, or clitoral hoodectomy, is more popular than ever, and according to my girlfriend it’s the reason why more and more women are wearing tight pants these days.

But clitoral hood reduction is not a new procedure. Not to be confused with a clitoral circumcision for the purpose of mutilation, clitoral hood reduction is performed to enhance a woman’s sexual pleasure, not hinder it.

The procedure actually goes all the way back to 19th century America. In 1899, Dr. Denslow Lewis argued in favor of clitoral hood reduction before the AMA. In 1900, Dr. A.S. Watts wrote about removing the hood from a 27-year-old married woman of seven years who had never had an orgasm in her life. The good doctor discovered that her clitoris was completely covered by the hood. Once removed, the woman and her husband went on to have hot, monkey sex. Boy, what I wouldn’t have given to have been her husband that night.

But even more intriguing is Dr. John R. Brinkley. Dr. Brinkley was what one might call “controversial,” and that’s putting it mildly. Also known as the “goat-gland doctor,” Brinkley wasn’t really a doctor at all. Although he claimed to be a medical doctor, he had in fact bought his degree from a diploma mill.

Brinkley became famous in the 1930s for xenotransplanting goat testicles into humans, claiming it to be a cure for male impotence. He maintained his practice for almost two decades before stealing away to Mexico, where he pioneered border radio and continued his controversial medical procedures.

One of those procedures was, you guessed it, clitoral hood reduction. He even made film documentaries explaining the procedure and its benefits. I guess the way he saw it, if he could make men’s sex lives better, why not women’s? The thing was, even though Brinkley had no proper medical training and no degree at all, it seems as though he knew what he was talking about. Clitoral hood reduction procedures are still performed today, and at a success rate of more than ninety-nine percent. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

So, getting back to those tight pants. My girlfriend tells me that the procedure itself, not very complicated (not even expensive), is a growing trend these days. In fact, I guess you could say it’s selling like hot cakes.

More and more women are having their clitorises de-hooded and it’s not just to enhance sexual pleasure during intercourse. They’re doing it, in fact, because they’ve discovered the combination of an exposed clitoris and tight pants makes for a rather exhilarating afternoon about town. Getting the picture?

“If you don’t believe me,” said my girlfriend, “just take a look for yourself.”

We were having breakfast at this all-night diner and she started pointing out all these women who were, to put it bluntly, bringing themselves to orgasm right there alongside their scrambled eggs and bacon. I’m not kidding.

I looked closer and—by God she was right! How did I not notice it before? All these women were rocking back and forth in their chairs, seemingly deep in thought, and they all had one thing in common: they were all wearing tight pants. Happy pants!

“See,” said my girlfriend, “that one there. And that one over there. And that one, she’s climaxing right now.”

By Jove, she was right. They were bouncing all over the place. They were having orgasms for breakfast. With their orange juice. With their coffee. With their cinnamon rolls.  It was unseemly. It felt like I was in the middle of a Russ Meyer film. Russ Meyer meets George Romero. I was half expecting them to all start moaning and groaning at the same time.

“You don’t have to wear tight pants,” explained my girlfriend, “but it helps.”

“And you?” I said.

“No, not as such. But I have considered it.”

To tell the truth, I have no idea what my girlfriend’s vagina even looks like. It’s very dark down there, and besides, I’m never wearing my glasses.

I couldn’t eat anymore. I’d lost my appetite.

“Stop moving around so much,” I told her. “Let’s get out of here.”


*Inspired by the article Camel Toe Underwear Gaining Popularity, on Elite Daily.


About the Author
Philip Loyd loves fat chicks and cheap beer, though not necessarily in that order. His first novel, You Lucky Bastard, is represented by New York Literary Agent Jan Kardys. Loyd lives in Dumbass, Texas.  Find out more about Loyd at

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