by Gabby Philly…
They called him the Safety president. President Anthony Aegis. He ran on sweeping reforms to make America safe again. To save lives. He wasn’t kidding.
Anthony Aegis was the most honest and truthful candidate the country had ever seen. It was his strict adherence to the truth, as much as it was his Safety First pledge, that the American public found so refreshing.
What the American public did not know, however, was that now-President Aegis was afflicted by a relatively new phenomenon called Truther’s Disease, also known as Blabbermouth Syndrome. Mildly afflicted at the time of the campaign, the disease was now full blown.
President Aegis was sworn in and wasted no time unrolling his new safety reforms. It would prove to be a sweeping agenda.
As the president approached the podium, the entire nation was watching.
“My fellow Americans. During my campaign for the presidency I promised sweeping reforms intended on making our country safe again. I intend on keeping that promise.
“Now, I know what most of you are thinking, that when I talk about a safer country, I of course mean the elimination of guns. Nothing would make me happier. The truth is, however, as much as I’d like to circumvent the constitution, there are nine numbskulls in black robes blocking my way. Sure, a good dose of itching powder might do the trick, but it would serve as a temporary solution. I know many of you are going to be disappointed, but the elimination of guns is simply off the table.
“For others of you, it’s cigarettes that are the real killers. I couldn’t agree with you more. Unfortunately, again, Big Tobacco was a major contributor to my campaign. Sure, it was under the guise of breakfast cereals and cute little snack cakes, but it’s Big Tobacco all the same.
“I know most of you must be thinking, what’s left? Plenty, I assure you.
“As my first order of business, I will be eliminating all baths and showers in the United States. That’s right. According to the CDC, a quarter million Americans slip and fall in the bathroom every year. Two-thirds of that can be attributed to bath and shower accidents. The study also shows that a good percentage of these accidents come while either seated or standing on the toilet, so we’ll be eliminating those as well.
“Next, we will be calling for an elimination of all bicycles. Every year, more than six hundred thousand men are rendered impotent from bicycle, crotch-related injuries. Why ALL bicycles? Because excluding women just wouldn’t be fair.
“Next on the list: kitchen knives. That’s right. Every year, nearly half a million people are admitted to emergency rooms for accidents caused by ordinary kitchen knives. From now on, you’re just going to have to find another way to cut your food. Of course, plastic utensils will be exempted from the ban.
“More than a hundred thousand Americans are injured by drinking glasses every year, so from now on it’s plastic cups. An estimated thirty thousand people are harmed in refrigerator-related incidents, so start getting used to canned and dried foods. And pillows, don’t think I’ve forgotten about pillows. Nearly six thousand Americans are sent to the ER each year with some type of pillow-related boo-boo. From now on, just cuddle-up to an old pair of jeans or a T-shirt.
“Also on our new Safety First list: swing sets, swimming pools, garbage disposals, garden hoes, staples, scissors, cotton socks, floor wax, and twelve hundred more items which will be listed in detail in our forthcoming report.
“We believe that through these initial measures alone, we can reduce annual injuries here in the U.S. by as much as ten million. TEN MILLION. It’s a great start, but we intend on growing that number considerably with more new regulations in the coming months.
“Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for your support. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.
President Aegis stepped away from the podium, shaking the vice president’s hand.
“By the way, sir,” he said to the vice president, “you stink.”
“And sweetheart,” he said, turning to the first lady, “you’re as ugly as a blobfish.”
What no one knew at the time was that Truthers Disease was not only contagious, it was airborne. Things were about to get real honest, real soon.
About the Author
Philip Loyd loves fat chicks and cheap beer, though not necessarily in that order. His first novel, You Lucky Bastard, is represented by New York Literary Agent Jan Kardys. Loyd lives in Dumbass, Texas. Find out more about Loyd at PhilipLoyd.com
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