Ignite: The Lifestyle Magazine for Aspiring Jihadists and Bomb Makers

by Jihady Philly…

I got this magazine in the mail the today. It’s called Ignite: The Lifestyle Magazine for Aspiring Jihadists and Bomb Makers. Not sure why it came here.

So I called the 1-800 number and got a hold of customer service. They told me there must have been some kind of mix-up and they would take me off their list. The woman was very nice.

I was about to throw the magazine away when something caught my eye: it was a snippet of an article on how to make the ultimate Rogan josh, by the Imam Abdul Hussein Al-Kohmeini. I love lamb. Curry, too.

The Imam Hussein Al-Kohmeini is known for his skills as a bomb maker, for maiming and killing innocent women and children the world over. In this issue of Ignite, however, he was sharing his talents in the kitchen, whipping up his famous Rogan josh, an aromatic lamb and curry dish that dates back all the way to ancient Persia. Al-Kohmeini’s secret? “It’s all in the cinnamon.”

Also in this month’s issue, Syrian-born bomb maker and hijacker Suhabib Abdul Rauf shares his favorite vacation hotspots, like Peshawar, Grozny, and Mogadishu. “If it’s nightlife you’re looking for,” says Abdul Rauf, “then Mogadishu is the place for you.”

“Personally,” continued Rauf, “I prefer places for their scenery and landmarks. I was just in Ciudad Juarez last week and I’ve never seen so many severed heads in all my life. When most people think of heads on spikes and body’s hanging from bridges, they naturally think Fallujah.  Not me. Ciudad Juarez is the beheading capital of the world, hands down. I recommend staying at the Hotel Desentrañar.  Ask for Luis.”

There was a piece on this year’s 50 most beautiful Jihadists. Hard to tell how accurate it was, however, with all their faces covered up. There was an article on the most eligible bachelors in ISIS-controlled Iraq. Apparently, the size of one’s gun carries a lot of weight when determining one’s eligibility.

My favorite part of the magazine, however, had to be the personal ads.

Jihadists Seeking Women

1) Looking for a match in Mosul: Hi. My name is Kareem and I am a successful bomb maker with 5 factories of my own. Am seeking Jihadist woman of like mind who enjoys traveling and is willing to relocate to Mosul. Prefer woman with a preference for white burka, but any color will do. Please, when burka comes off, no surprises. Thanks in advance.

2) Retired Jihadist looking for soul mate: Freedom fighter, now retired, with more than 1000 confirmed kills to credit. Wife killed in attack by infidels. Looking for soul mate to cook my dinner, do my laundry, draw my bath, and scrape my feet. Looks not important.

There was even one man seeking what he referred to as a gender-challenged woman. I guess that’s as close to being gay as any Jihadist was ever going to admit.

All-in-all, I’d say it was pretty entertaining magazine. Not really a good fit for me though, what with me being a rabbi and all.

*Inspired by the real-life magazine, Inspire, published by al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula.


About the Author
Philip Loyd loves fat chicks and cheap beer, though not necessarily in that order. His first novel, You Lucky Bastard, is represented by New York Literary Agent Jan Kardys. Loyd lives in Dumbass, Texas.  Find out more about Loyd at PhilipLoyd.com

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